Wow! My book club has done it again. How much of our lives is controlled by obligation? How much of our lives is controlled by others expectations? Are we living our lives because we are just being safe? Are we being controlled by something that we cannot even define?
I'm living my life here in Calgary because of the guaranteed funding for my kids. I'm living my life...a slave to the obligation of being the breadwinner. A slave to the obligation of bringing in a certain amount of money so that we can continue on continuing on. Living this so called life which isn't really even much of a life. Why do I have everything I have ever wanted and still feel miserable? Was I just terribly wrong about what I thought that I wanted? Am I just realizing that all of my dreams about life were just terribly horribly wrong?
A slave to the debt we have accumulated from four maternity leaves and just trying to keep our heads above water. A slave to obligation. Choice is so much greater than obligation. And out of that obligation comes anger. Anger that life has been controlling me. That obligation has a grip upon me so tight that joy is no where to be found.
Where is my inner child? Where is my ability to laugh and have fun? Even when I was a child, there wasn't much place for laughter. Ironically, people knew me for my laugh. But my inner soul was crying, longing for a different life.
So life needs to a radical change. We have lived in numerous locations in Calgary and Calgary hasn't cut it yet. So where in the world is the place for the Yaremas? Would it be Australia? Or Toronto? Or Winnipeg? Or is Vienna Austria? Dave is also looking for the place for us and found the top cities in the world to live.
So again, am I living my life safely? Because it certainly doesn't feel like it is an abundant life. Sure it is a full life but it certainly doesn't feel like I'm living life fully.