Why blog?

Why do I do the things that I do not want to do? But I don't do the things I want to do? Does that make any sense? I am in a place of eternal conflict with myself.

I'm in a place that is infinitely better than the place I grew up in but sadly my past has made me into the person I am today. I thought that I had escaped unscathed from the negative effects of a dysfunctional home but becoming a parent has shown me otherwise.

Believe me, I am grateful for the positive effects my upbringing has had on me. I think it has made me a stronger person but I still have my issues. I think that is why I have the desire to blog... There has to be some positive outcome from all of the crap one person has endured. I don't want you, the reader, to feel like I am beating around the truth so I shall divulge without going into much detail. My parents separated when I was five; my mom suffered with mental health issues; my oldest brother got in trouble with the law, had major drug issues and the list goes on and on and on with him and my dad wasn't involved. So I'm hoping that by blogging I will help other people through difficult times.

The issues from my past may not be obvious but insidious and dangerous. If they were more obvious I'd be forced to deal with them. The less obvious ones are the ones I need to figure out and how I'm going to deal with them. I know I know....what the heck am I even talking about?

Sadly I have become an angry person. How do you deal with anger so you don't destroy all of your relationships? Man I am asking for a lot of grace from others. I am asking for a lot of forgiveness too. Now I am trying to replace the anger.

But maybe it's not about my past at all. Maybe it's just about life being stressful. How do you handle your stress? What do you do to get rid of the stress? I know I should go to the gym more but how do you schedule that in with a terribly busy schedule? I would love to go out with friends more but sadly my schedule is opposite to so many others. I know I'm just making excuses but these things are part of my
reality.

I knew that all of the stress I have been under would catch up with my health eventually. This past week I wore a heart monitor because at times it feels like my heart is doing jumping jacks in my chest. My heart behaved that day so the mystery will continue.