As a mother, I want to be whole so I can be everything I can be for my children. But what happens when I am feeling far less than a 'whole' person? Unfortunately my children will not stop being until I can become 'whole' again. Oh yes, can you just stop so I can figure this all out? Sorry, doesn't work that way!
I struggle with my own humanity. Sometimes I feel like I am just a kid inside an adult's body. Sadly not the playful child but the immature child.
Sometimes I wish I could just get the world to stop to become 'whole' again. In the past a girlfriend and I rented a movie where the mother's left their children and we were just highly offended by the movie. Unfortunately I cannot even remember the name of it right now maybe because I just hated the movie so much at the time. But now sadly I wonder if I am doing more damage to my children being with them than if I were just able to separate myself from them just for a little while.
Don't get me wrong...I love my children so so much. And it is out of that love that I want to separate myself to become whole again. I question what length of time that would take? Or is it just a lifelong journey and then one will realize that you can never become whole? But to be real here...taking a step away is sometimes necessary. Can you ever go too far that you cannot ever get back to the place you started? The further I go away from centre...is it harder to become balanced again? Is it better to step away sooner rather than later? Is it easier to get back on track when you've only gone a mile down the wrong road rather than five miles? Or is it just a different pathway altogether.
Is it just a misconception I have of being a Christian? Isn't life supposed to be easier than this? Are my values just so incredibly screwed up here?
You must just think that I am like a yoyo! One day inspired and the next day an emotional wreck! Yes, it was another really hard day. Didn't help that I was up at 530 this morning with Gabe.
What is a mother to do when her tank is so empty? Is it just the perception or is it truly empty? What to do? What to do?
Just trying to be patient with myself! Putting pressure on myself isn't helping anything!